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A lot of people seem kind of creeped out by a scrawny guy with no muscles going up to every woman he sees and boasting of his BRUTE STRENGTH, but the Internet tells you that is because they are BETA CUCKOLD ORBITERS. Not wanting to end up on an autopsy table in Roswell, you explain that you’re a perfectly ordinary master hacker.
You don’t find anything too damning, but you turn over what you’ve got. You call the police, and of course the CIA and NSA get involved, but he is never caught. The level of detective skills it would take in order to track you down and figure out your secret – it was astounding! You tell your handlers that you’re no longer up for the job.If only there was a way to solve your problem by BEING VERY STRONG. You learn lots of surprising things about gender roles that you didn’t know before. You start to feel a deep sense of kinship with King Midas. You live alone with a bunch of cats who purr when you pet them, then hiss when you pet them again. You are immediately smitten by his BRUTE STRENGTH and ALPHA MALE BEHAVIOR. Your luck finally ends outside a bank in Kansas, when a whole squad of FBI agents ambushes you.It seems that women like men who have BRUTE STRENGTH. You leave the bodybuilding circuit behind and start frequenting nightclubs, where you constantly boast of your BRUTE STRENGTH to PROVE HOW ALPHA YOU ARE. One night you’re in a bar drinking your sorrows away when a man comes up to your table. You briefly consider going all Emperor Palpatine on their asses, but caution wins out and you allow yourself to be arrested.Everything is so easy for you that your body just shrugs it off effortlessly. You wish you had thought further before accepting a superpower that makes people love you when you touch them, but goes away after you touch them a second time. You move in together and are married a few contact-free months later.Somehow your BRUTE STRENGTH failed to anticipate this possibility. The sites you get don’t seem to bear on your specific problem, exactly, but they are VERY FASCINATING. Having people love you is a lot less sexy when you can’t touch them. They’ll just stop liking you when you touch them a second time. I’m the strongest person in the world.” He lifts your table over his head with one hand to demonstrate. Every so often you wonder what it would be like to stroke him, or feel his scrawny arm on your shoulder. You’re happy to just hang out, basking in how STRONG and ALPHA he is. That’s what’s important and valuable in this twenty-first-century economy, right? For example, ever since you took the grey pill, an increasingly large share of national GDP has come from ATMs giving you cash because you ask them to.A few days later, you’re lying in bed drifting off to sleep when a man suddenly bursts in through your window brandishing a gun. After that, you’re always looking over your shoulder. They beg, cajole, threaten to reinstate your prison sentence, but you stand firm.
Thinking quickly, you tell the gun to explode in his hands. Finally they transfer you to an easier assignment in the Moscow embassy.
He’s worried about sedition in the royal family, and wants your advice as a consultant for how to ensure his government is stable.
You travel to Riyadh, and find that the entire country is a mess. But the King is also an idiot, and refuses to believe you or listen to your recommendations. That’s what’s important and valuable in this twenty-first-century economy, right?
He tells you things can’t possibly be as bad as all that. You didn’t plan to become the King of Saudi Arabia, per se. How come nobody else is any good at urban planning? Some people tell you it isn’t, but they don’t seem to have a lot of BRUTE STRENGTH, so what do they know? Able to lift thousands of pounds with a single hand, you easily overpower the competition and are crowned whatever the heck it is you get crowned when you WIN WEIGHTLIFTING CONTESTS.
It just sort of happened when your demonstration of how rebels in the military might launch a coup went better than you expected. But this fails to translate into lucrative endorsement contracts.
You can see how every insult, every failure, no matter how deserved, is a totally unexpected kick in the gut.