skip to content »

Internet dating aint just for douchebags

Thinks women don’t get him but doesn’t understand the actual problem is that.Blatantly steers the conversation back to his areas of knowledge when it starts to drift toward things he doesn’t know about, which is a lot. Here’s the thing about the scumbag: He is actual slime and kind of a sociopath, and by far the most dangerous dude on this list.

Enjoys being “politically incorrect” and then playing dumb when challenged on it.When he finds himself in a conversation where he doesn’t quite get what’s going on, tries to look really deep in thought so people mistake his confusion for depth.Doesn’t get the David Brent character from The Office UK because it’s too much like looking in a mirror. (Despite these examples, isn’t necessarily British. Tools have no home country.) Says he loves music, and will now prove it by making a scene with that guitar he found in the corner.Says he loves music but only listens to shitty EDM and Bob Marley’s “Legend.”Dicks. Is endlessly arrogant to cover up the deep well of insecurity he still carries from being picked last for kickball so many times as a kid.Is technically quite smart, but so insecure he can’t help but constantly prove it in super obnoxious ways. Creates uncomfortable silences in conversation on purpose.Actually lies to his therapist, making the whole exercise a tremendous waste of money.

Spends the first five minutes after meeting you trying to figure out your points of emotional vulnerability. Hates himself, and deep inside knows there is a hole that can never be filled.

She called him that because he was the quintessential 30-something Bay Street guy—handsome, wealthy, confident and married to his job in finance.

From the surrounding towers, players descend to blow off steam and seal the deal—with clients and that night’s conquest. And Tinder is their Little Black Book Valerie met “The Suit” on Tinder.

(When you don’t, calls you “a lesbian.”) Wants to live in a world with only Kanye, Diplo, Scott Disick and Evan Spiegel.

Says he loves music but really only listens to shitty EDM. More innocuous and sweetly earnest than douchebags.

Benches 120, flexes in the mirror, thinks: “Fuck yeah.” Earnestly believes he has something insightful and deep to contribute to the conversation, which is adorably wrong.